Things I Have Learned

I have learned:

1. I am not the titles I wear.

2. Being retrenched could be my rebirth.

3. That nothing is perfect.

4. That I have more strength than I imagined.

I am not the titles I wear. To outsiders I am a wife, mother, sister, best friend and Operations Manager, but at one point the responsibility that comes along with these roles took over my life. I had no idea what I was really feeling besides overwhelmed. I have now learned that I need to take care of myself in order to care for everyone else.

Being retrenched could be my rebirth. I did not make the decision to end my employment but I have come to realize that it was one the best things that has ever happened to me. In hindsight, I discovered 10 years of an emotionally stressful job had changed me, and not for the better. So I embraced the opportunity to learn about myself and dove into watching my son grow. That I can reinvent myself at any age.

That nothing is perfect, not even myself, and that's something to celebrate. I used to think that if I followed the rules and stayed silent, my life would run in a straight line, It doesn't work this way. I have had to face detours, and dirt roads, and to my surprise, those moments have bought out the best in me.

That I have more strength than I imagined. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer - Carcinoma of the Cheek, soon after my son was born, after that my mom had a stroke, soon after our 34 years family home burnt to the ground and I got retrenched. I was devastated but now, 5 months later, we are living our new normal; battling cancer, raising a wonderful child, a recovered mom physically and maintaining a loving marriage. In my quiet moments, I feel astounded that we have found the inner resources to survive.

Now I take limitations in stride and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size. Nelson Mandela said, "I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one finds many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come but I rest only for a moment for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended.

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Addiction To Getting Things Done

There are many addictive ways that most of us have learned to avoid our painful feelings, and focusing on getting things done is often one of these ways.

It's not that there is anything wrong with getting things done. Most of us have a lot that we need to do and we may feel stressed when we don't get done what we need to do. It is certainly not addictive to make lists and be self-disciplined enough to follow through on our lists.

Whether or not it is addictive depends on your intent. If your intent is to be a responsible self-disciplined adult, then getting things done is healthy, loving action toward yourself. But when your intent is to use your list and obsessively getting things done as a way to avoid responsibility for your feelings, then it becomes addictive.

Ryan was addicted to getting things done. Each morning he would make his list and then obsessively focus on crossing everything off. If his children needed something from him - too bad. He was busy. If his wife needed help - well she would have to find it elsewhere. He was too busy. If he felt alone, sad, empty inside or lonely, focusing on his list was the way he avoided these difficult feelings.

At the end of the day, Ryan wondered why he didn't feel fulfilled - why he felt so empty inside. As we explored his addiction to getting things done in our Skype session, Ryan said, "My lists make me feel safe from feelings."

Safe from feelings. Why did Ryan need to feel safe from feelings? What was so unsafe about feeling his feelings?

Actually, I understood why his feelings felt unsafe. When I was growing up in my family, painful feelings were avoided at all costs. Because my parents had no healthy ways of managing their painful feelings, they also could not handle mine. I was rejected if I felt anything but happy. My mother managed her painful feelings with anger at me and my father, while my father managed his painful feelings by shutting down.

Ryan had a similar experience as he was growing up. His mother managed her painful feelings with incessant self-judgment, while his father numbed out, shutting down his feelings. Of course, Ryan learned to do the same things - judging his feelings and shutting down to them. However, because he didn't want to end up poor like his parents, he also learned to use lists and getting things done as a way of avoiding his feelings. While this worked for him to create a successful business, it did not work to create inner peace, joy or successful relationships with his wife and children.

Anything can become an addiction - depending on your intent. When your intent is to avoid responsibility for your feelings - rather than learn Inner Bonding and practice learning from your feelings rather than avoiding them - you will find many addictive ways of avoiding.

Learning to compassionately embrace all painful feelings, with acceptance toward them and the intent to learn from them, is what you need to do to move beyond being addicted to getting things done or to any other addictive way of avoiding your feelings.

Start today by practicing being compassionately present in your body with your feelings, embracing all feelings as informational. Imagine your feelings as a child within who needs compassionate acceptance rather than judgment.

Instead of rejecting that child, welcome him or her as valuable to you, a source of inner guidance regarding whether you are being loving or unloving toward yourself, whether others are being loving or unloving with you, or whether a situation is safe or unsafe for you. If you practice this consistently, you will find your addiction to getting things done, as well as many other addictions, falling away.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/ or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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When Bad Things Happen

"There is no education like adversity." - Benjamin Disraeli
When "bad things" happen how do you react? First of all I guess we would have to determine what your definition of "bad things" would be. Typically a bad thing is anything that upsets you or rocks your world in some negative way. The more formal word would be "adversity" which is defined as any difficulty or misfortune.
And bad things come in all shapes and sizes. Anywhere from spilt milk, losing something you value, traffic jams, someone criticizing you or being rude to you; all the way to the big "bad things" such as losing your job, your home or someone you love.
Now the thing is that these so called "bad things happen to all of us at one time or another, there is simply no way around it. So, does knowing this make it easier to deal with them? It should, but that isn't always the case because we are too caught up in the moment and we lose the big picture.
But let's look back at some of the "bad things" that have happened in your life. Try and recall how upset you were at the time. Go back there for a minute, think about how angry you were at someone for what they did or said to you or the hurt you felt by someone who betrayed you.
Think about how devastated you were when a relationship ended or how you felt when going through your divorce. Think about the fear that gripped you when you lost your job or think about how mad you were in that traffic jam at some unknown person, etc.
Now let's fast forward to the present day. Are you still gripped by these feelings or negative emotions? Or, have they subsided if not, more likely, are they gone? Are you still mad at the person in the traffic jam? Are you still mad because of the spilt milk? Do you still feel the intensity of how you felt when betrayed? Do you still wake up every day and cry over your divorce?
Or, have you moved on?
So, why not take these experiences and learn the lessons from them? Why not look at life through the bigger picture? Is it really worth getting upset when you're stuck in traffic or you broke a glass or you lost a watch? What is the point? And, better yet what good does it do you?
And it's the same when the BIG "bad things" happen to you. Depending on the circumstances, of course you will have a gamut of emotions and initial reactions of hurt, fear, worry, regret or pain. But, looking back now you found a way to deal with it didn't you? And some way, somehow, you moved on.
So take these experiences into your present day life and implement the lessons you learned because otherwise you went through it for nothing. And, worse yet you will continue to hold onto all of the negative crap that goes along with holding on to stuff instead of letting it go.
Since the reality is that you are eventually going to let it go anyway, why not let it go sooner rather than later?
The worst possible thing you can do is become a victim because of it. Stop asking, "Why did this happen to me?" Instead ask yourself, "How can I move on from here?" You can go around blaming them or blaming yourself but that is a total waste of time. Beside the fact that it keeps you focused on the negative which does you more harm than good.
And, stop being mad or angry or worried or scared or hurt or jealous or vindictive. Ask yourself, "How do these feelings make my life better? And then ask, "How do they make my life worse? And how long do you want to hold onto them?
Because the bottom line is this: You CHOOSE how you are going to react to everything that happens to you. And more importantly, you can choose to let it go much sooner than most people do.
Try and grasp this statement: It doesn't happen to you as much as it happens for you!
When you really begin to get the bigger picture you will understand that when "bad things" they don't last forever; unless you invite them to. You will understand that when you attach yourself to a specific outcome and it isn't what happens is when you suffer.
And most of all you will understand that "bad things" happen to everyone along their journey through life and it is through these changes and how we react to them that determine how we live.
Your peace and happiness depends on how you choose to look at things. So, why not choose to hold on to the good things in your life and let go of the "bad things"!
Susan Russo is an author and coach whose work has inspired people from all over the world to take back their power! Would you like to empower yourself to do the same? Discover Susan's 7 Keys to unlock your power.

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