OK, here we are. We have some time in the program. The meetings aren't as much fun as they were. Johnny is OK, but he is beginning to aggravate me. My sponsor is in a new relationship. I just don't enjoy the fellowship's company like I did in the beginning of my journey. 9 years clean is a long time. I haven't used any chemical to alter my mood in over 3,400 days. I'm doing great! I have this home based business. God is providing me with everything I need. My girlfriend and I are getting along great. I should be happy. After a daily inventory, I realize the disease of me has slipped in the back door.
My first mistake was not seeking guidance. I haven't been praying as much. The desire to use has been lifted. I pray. But, I don't always include my higher power in my decisions. My ego is getting stronger. I realize that I edge God out. I have also realized that I am not doing so much service. In the past 4 years my need for money has taken me away. It is harder to commit to positions in the fellowship. Sure, I still chair meetings. I don't attend nearly as many. Today, football games, movies, and date night take the place of meetings. Somehow self-servitude seems more important. Ultimately, the 10th step becomes harder to jot down every night. I can't even finish 1 day jobs on time. My customers don't see my procrastination. I do.
· I make a list.
· I seek guidance.
· I do the task immediately.
· I share with a newcomer.
A gratitude list gives me awareness of the good things in my life today. A goals list gives me something to work towards. A daily list of things to do enables me to complete 1 task at a time. Prayer, meditation, sharing at my home group, and discussion with my sponsor puts my thinking into perspective. The ability to perform the task now eliminates my ability to be overwhelmed. A cluttered house gives the perception of laziness. A cluttered soul prohibits me from clear thinking. I can show God's grace by sharing with the new guy. The only way I can keep the serenity I have found is by giving this freedom away. My life is awesome today. I have a duty to humanity to share my experience, strength, and hope. Hope is the message and freedom form myself is the promise.
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